“No jokes, no songs, not even any clips of when we used to have fun,” he said.
Mincing no words, his New Rules segment pitched Nomadland — the series. “Move over That Girl, Mary Tyler Moore and Alice. There’s a new girl in town and she’s sh-tting in a bucket,” he said. “We loves that she drifts around in a van, but can she be 19 and hot? Maybe give her a different supporting cast. A handsome guy, a funny guy, a lesbian best friend and a dog? They can solve mysteries. Call me,”
His full ire, however, was directed elsewhere. “Nothing with ‘crypto’ in the title ever turned out good. There is a mania rising in the nation these days.” He mocked cryptocurrencies as pointless, arbitrary, impossible to understandable, a Ponzi scheme, a game and a massive drain on the planet’s energy. Bitcoins are created through a process called “mining” that uses massive supercomputing power and he said backers like Tesla CEO Elon Musk who care about the climate should know better.
“I fully understand that our financial system isn’t perfect, but at least it’s real. Apple stock is worth money because Apple makes thousand dollar phones that everyone buys and drops in the toilet.”
Capitalism does let you “make money in the existing field of money. But we knew money had to originate from and be generated by something real, somewhere. To which cryptocurrency says, ‘No, it doesn’t.’”
“Nothing is ever actually being accomplished and no actual product made or service rendered. It’s like Tinker Bell’s light. Its power source is based solely on enough children believing in it,” he said. “Our problem is not economic but psychological. People who have been raised in a virtual world are starting to believe they can really live in it.”
Otherwise the comedian was pretty pleased with the state of things, mainly Joe Biden, his speech before Congress on Wednesday and his solid polls that are driving Fox News nuts. To keep its base fired up, he said, the network had to resort to headlines claiming Biden plans to cut 90% of red meat from Americans’ diets — one burger a month — and to cancel Fourth of July.
That was last week. He offered Fox a few new headlines for the week ahead: “Trump border wall to be melted down for giant statue of Colin Kaepernick”; “Fauci: Babies in the womb must wear masks”’ and, “In all depictions of Jesus, the Crown of Thorns to be replaced by a P-ssy Hat.”
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